Worst West Ham XI since the Premier League began

GK – Stephen Bywater

You never did feel comfortable with Bywater in goal. Remarkably, West Ham signed Bywater from Rochdale as a 16 year-old, for a fee that could rise to 1.75 million! Big things were expected from Stephen but it was only in 2000 after Shaka Hislop suffered a broken leg that he could make his debut, and Bradford managed to knock 4 past him! Once we were relegated in 2003, the door finally opened for Bywater to make the number one spot his own, but his terrible kicking and uncertain handling meant he was replaced by Jimmy Walker, and then Roy Carroll, and then Shaka Hislop once more and so, expectedly; his Hammers career fizzled out from there. He seemed like a nice guy but he was never good enough to be our goalkeeper.

LB – Wayne Quinn

Remember him? I’ll admit that I thought he looked decent on his debut but it all went down-hill from there. Quinn was signed on loan from Newcastle with the club desperately needing a left-back, but it soon became clear that we may have as well plucked someone from the local park instead of him, literally, because that’s where Quinn’s been ever since. Quinn hasn’t played professional football since he left West Ham in 2004 at the age of 28! Unable to find a club, Quinn now manages and plays for the famous Penzance A.F.C. in Cornwall.

CB – Christian Dailly

We called him a footballing genius, we admired the curly hair and he was allowed access to the wife of every singing Hammers fan, but he was truly terrible. It’s quite remarkable that Christian Dailly was, at one time, our captain and also had the armband for Scotland; that shows you how bad our last Championship team was compared to this one. The main reason Dailly makes the team is due to his vital role in the third relegation of his career when we went down in 2003 and his shaky performances in the Championship the following season. Again there’s no hard feeling but he’s a certain selection.

RB – Gary Breen

On the back of a pretty successful World Cup with Ireland, Glenn Roeder signed Breen on a free; in fact, it was later revealed he agreed to join Inter Milan at this time but failed a medical (although it was Breen who claimed that). It looked like an astute piece of business but soon proved to be a destructive addition. He made 18 appearances for the club in each of which he looked equally terrible and made a major contribution to our relegation. He has become somewhat of a scapegoat for that relegation, of course the other players were obviously at fault but Breen deserves all the criticism he gets for that campaign.

RM – Yaniv Katan

Katan only made 6 appearances for West Ham, in each of which he looked somewhat lost. Signed by Alan Pardew on a recommendation from fellow Israeli Yossi Benayoun, Katan didn’t stand much of a chance playing any more games than he did with Marlon Harewood, Teddy Sheringham, Dean Ashton and Bobby Zamora all vying for places, but he certainly didn’t seem to try particuarly hard. Katan’s Hammers career ended with a whimper as he returned to Maccabi Haifa at the end of season, having little more impact than a £100,000 loss on our balance sheet.

LM – Luis Boa Morte

Boa Morte makes the team due to how much of a disappointment he was. Luis was one of Alan Curbishley’s many expensive and ‘proven’ Premiership buys, and most of us thought we had signed a technically gifted, goal scoring winger. How wrong we were. We realised that all of those times we had admired Boa Morte on ‘Match of the Day’ were very much in the past after he sluggishly waddled down the wing and mistimed tackle after tackle during games for the Hammers. I seriously find it difficult to believe that it was the same player at Fulham and that he has 28 Portugal caps! Surprisingly, Boa Morte actually made 91 appearances for West Ham; he was eventually transformed into a defensive midfielder such was his complete absence of flair. Glad to get that one off the wage bill.

CM – Nigel Quashie

With West Ham in the midst of a relegation dogfight, in January, Curbishley decided to sign someone who was experienced in these situations, and so opted for Quashie. The thing is, Southampton and Portsmouth had both the same thing in the 2 previous years, and had both ended up relegated. If it wasn’t for a fortunate persistent foot-injury, I believe we would’ve gone the same way. Quite simply the worst player I have ever seen in a West Ham shirt. Quashie has become the personification of ‘relegation’ and the reason as to why we signed him is beyond me.

CM – Richard Garcia

I’m still in shock that Garcia is 30 years-old! Being the main goal-scorer for the famed youth team of 1999, big things were expected from the Australian; however he never managed to live up to the hype. Garcia was pushed into first-team action on a few occasions when we were in the Premier League, but failed to make an impact; once we were relegated it was thought that he could really start to make a mark in first-team football, but even in an attacking crisis, Garcia was useless. He failed to hit the net for West Ham and has since played for Leyton Orient, Colchester and Hull where he is still surprisingly enjoying a decent spell. However, 8 goals in 108 appearances still don’t suggest fulfilled potential.

ST – Titi Camara

Upon signing for Harry Redknapp, Camara defiantly announced that he had come to “to play, play, play - and score, score, score”; how ironic that statement now seems considering he only managed 11 games and did not once hit the net. He became somewhat of a cult hero at Liverpool due to pure pity for his inadequacy and as he chipped in with the odd goal, but the West Ham fans were not so sympathetic to him. Camara is quoted as one of the reasons for Harry Redknapp’s departure due to the board losing trust in his ability in the transfer market; he’s made his name as ‘a bit of a wheeler dealer’ in recent times (don’t tell him that though!), but he definitely made a mistake with this one.

ST – Marco Boogers

You saw this one coming and you’ve heard the story a million times but he has to be in there. Boogers was another of Redknapp’s collection of West Ham mistakes; signed for £1 million, Boogers was sent off in his second appearance for the Hammers after a ‘horror tackle’ on Gary Neville which suggested he didn’t even know the laws of the game. After this, Boogers went AWOL and pleaded to return to his home country on the basis of mental illness, whilst simultaneously protesting “I’m not mental!”, I think that says it all. The depressed Boogers was swiftly drafted back to his native Holland.

ST – Benni McCarthy

The third striker of the attack is a difficult decision. Neil Mellor was awful, and as was Mido, but the spot is going to go to McCarthy. This signing really did undermine the managerial talent of Gianfranco Zola after it was revealed he begged for McCarthy to be signed as the ‘saviour’ of our season. The Hammers had come close to signing McCarthy before after a successful Champions League spell with Porto, however eventually opted for Dean Ashton. Instead McCarthy joined Blackburn and looked like a good player until he was frozen out of first-team duties for ‘fitness reasons’. When McCarthy rolled onto the field for his Hammers debut it was easy to see why. McCarthy didn’t even make it into South Africa’s world cup squad was fined almost £200,000 by West Ham for being ‘too fat’. His contract was eventually terminated after 11 goalless games and he can only be remembered as a large waste of money, in every sense of the word.

Manager – Glenn Roeder,

This was honestly the hardest decision of the lot; the choice between Glenn Roeder and Avram Grant to manage this bunch of outcasts. In the end we’ve given the nod to Roeder, and that says a lot about him as a manager. Although Grant’s team was good, admittedly they weren’t world-beaters under Gianfranco Zola in the previous season. On the other hand, the team that Roeder had taken over had finished 7th in the Premier League before they plummeted to the old division one in spectacular fashion, with a side sporting many England international regulars over the last few years. Roeder returned to manage the Hammers after illness, citing ‘unfinished business’ as the reason; however it looked like he simply wanted to take them further down the leagues. Eventually, much to the relief of the supporters, Roeder was sacked following a defeat to Rotherham. It was definitely for the best.

Promotions, relegations and unstable management have meant various squad reshufflings over the years, and although this has meant we’ve had some fantastic players, we’ve certainly had our share of terrible ones. This eleven is not one to be proud of.

West Ham vs. Tottenham Preview

Sunday the fourth of March 2007. If you’re tantalizing over our current predicament, consider the plight we were faced with in the season we fondly recall as; ‘The Great Escape’. On that Sunday, Tottenham travelled to Upton Park for what was to be one of the most memorable matches at the Boleyn Ground in recent history, an amazing feat considering it was ultimately a loss.
On that day, we had less than three months to save our season, today we have eight. On that day we had Nigel Quashie patrolling the centre of our midfield, today we have Scott Parker. And by the end of that day, we remained 10 points from safety, by the end of today; we could be trailing by mere goal difference. The fact is, despite our supporters’ unquestionable loyalty, we can elaborately request too much of our present team. We demand brutal passion, flowing football and obviously; points. All on a diminutive budget in comparison to the monstrous flexibility of rivals, including today’s visitors. Out of our three, admittedly ambitious lusts from those wearing claret and blue, passion is one which can be employed by a budding Lionel Messi or a hung-over, obese father of three on a Sunday morning at Hackney marshes. But it was the one obvious factor lacking in our disappointing performances earlier in the season.
What has changed is unknown to me, but something has. The term ‘battle’ is one which has rarely been used for Hammers teams of late, but we certainly battled for our point at the Britannia Stadium last weekend. Many a team of great quality has faltered at the intimidating home of Stoke City since their rise to prominence, and the fact we were able to gain our first point in such a ruthless fixture has convinced me that the writing is not yet on the wall. And it was with such irony that the poster-boy of this season, Scott Parker, was the man who managed to stab the ball over the line for the moment we will possibly look back on as the turning point.
And then, what can only be described as an outstanding victory at the Stadium of Light was celebrated during the week. The fact our first away win for over a year was against a serious Sunderland side sporting the key duo of Darren Bent and the new, big-money import Asamoah Gyan is certainly something to shout about. Maybe that will provide us with the confidence-booster we required to earn some valuable points today.
It could be argued that in 2007, it was the hiding fortune of our illegal Argentinian superstar, Carlos Tevez, who was the catalyst for our eventual survival. And I wouldn’t disagree. But who is to say that Victor Obinna can’t have a similar effect? Of course he hasn’t arrived in such a dramatic soap-opera of a welcoming, and he perhaps hasn’t got the same loveable dogged approach, or even the magnificent ability of the terrific Tevez, but he has taken a lot less time to open his scoring account, along with partner Frederic Piquionne, and he is unattached to the burden of expectation carried by the Argentinian. Today could be the day that our Nigerian forward cements a position as a fans’ favourite, a status his media appearances suggest he craves.
Tottenham Hotspur at home is one of them games our supporters’ instantly scan for as we receive the fixture list for the coming season because it can potentially hold such a wonderful atmosphere. The boisterous rivalry between the two sides always creates a lively occasion and despite the omission of the injured Jermain Defoe this afternoon, preventing us from our annual Jermain-jeering, it is certain to be a heated affair that could not have arrived at a better time. Whilst we have surfed backwards and forwards on a wave of mediocrity since our last memorable match, Spurs have enviably gate-crashed the top four and challenged for silverware, but, traditionally, these derby matches can launch the most unexpected of results at the fans. A win is certainly not out of the question.
Flowing football provides nothing more than self-indulged pride with occasional recognition from irritating TV pundits like Andy Gray. We must be patient, if today Avram Grant makes us subject to the most mundane of tactical performances we must understand that you have to earn the right to improve ‘the match-day experience’ with pretty football, and the way to earn that is by getting a sufficient amount of points on the board. Yes, today is about passion, but more importantly, it is about points. We have never been dealt a better time to beat Tottenham, so let’s get behind the boys, and who knows, perhaps one day we will be affectionately reminiscing on the twenty-fifth of September 2010. But this time, it was an unforgettable victory.